As a little girl I had “buck teeth”. I was a long time thumb sucker with large teeth which made for a little Elissa with 2 enormous and crooked front teeth. It was my cross to bear.
When I was in 5th grade I received an anonymous letter. I didn’t get a lot of mail outside of the correspondence with my childhood Colorado penpal Jenn and remember being super excited to receive this note. I opened up the envelope and found beavers. Someone(s) found the time to thoughtfully cut out magazine clippings of beavers and if I recall correctly a few images of donkeys, place them in an envelope, find my address, and mail me this hateful message. While hurtful, it wasn’t a huge surprise. I had a group of girls who both relentlessly and painfully bullied me beginning the moment I met them. This was just another day in the life.
That and many other hateful hurtful moments stuck with me and for many years I was extremely self conscious of my teeth, my hair, my hairiness, my weirdness, my strange Sicilian family etc etc.
It took YEARS to work through the bullying. Years of tears, feeling alone, hating school, feeling afraid, and wanting things to be different. There was some deep soul searching going on starting a young age. I didn’t feel seen or heard. I often didn’t feel safe. I later sought out additional resources like therapy, yoga, meditation, and writing to heal past traumas.
In many ways the experience from 4th grade on shaped the direction I took later in life. I felt desperate to enter the field of education to help protect kids. To help give them a different and better learning experience than I had. I felt like I had a duty to try to stop bullying. I wanted to help kids learn how to navigate difficult social interactions with compassion and kindness.
I often think back to Little Elissa and wonder what she needed.
I think she wanted someone to wrap their arms around her and tell her that she’s beautiful and strong and smart and deserving of love and respect. She wanted a cheerleader. She wanted to be lifted up to feel seen.
I can’t go back and change the past but every once in a while I go back to those moments and I give her a squeeze. I hug little Elissa and tell her she’s magnificent and funny and creative and that I love her and am so proud of her.
I sometimes also think about my past bullies and their current children. Do they have buck teeth? Are they ‘weird’? Do they stand out as different? How would they handle their babies getting bullied? I hope they wrap them in love and tell them they are wonderful and brave and smart and beautiful.
How would life be different if we nurtured our souls and spirits? If we nurtured others and the world around us?
Navigating a wild world can be an intense experience but fortunately there have been many great teachers who have given us tools. One of my favorite tools is from Mahatma Gandhi. “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
Love,
Elissa
Ps. This image was taken on Oct 21 1992. I was in 3rd grade and I had the flu. My mom had just gone into labor with my baby brother. It was picture day and they had to do something with me so I dressed myself (button up and bow I guess felt right that day) and Nonno took me to school. I didn’t last long... because I had the flu. I got picked up again a few hours later by Nonno but this time he was BEAMING. His namesake Salvatore Cirignotta had just been born. We drove straight to the hospital to meet the little guy and I got to see that cute little being through a glass wall.