Has being a human always been this intense?!
There are so many strong opinions being shouted from the rooftops. The collective energy field is charged, heated, loud, emotional, and totally overwhelming to my central nervous system. (Anyone else with me?)
I'm having a hard time navigating this chaos. At the moment I have close to 5,000 unread emails, 35 unanswered texts, 10 unlistened to voicemails, 67 unwatched Marco Polos, and a kitchen floor that hasn't been washed in an embarrassingly long time. From start to finish it can take me a solid week to complete a load of laundry. I can't listen to or watch the news anymore and social media can easily become an unpleasant or unproductive place for me to be. I'm very much unsure of how to show up.
This year has been many things, including weird, but another prominent theme for me has been loss. Loss of experiences, in person visits, hugs, loss of leading a fully planned and prepared Sicilian Summer Yoga Retreat that I'm still mourning, loss of spending a month in Sicily with my family, loss of a second pregnancy that shattered my heart into millions of pieces, and loss of a third pregnancy that has left me with a sensation of tingling numbness.
Breathing, moving inward, and slowing down have been my go-to responses. And of course I return to the wise words of Glennon Doyle, “Just keep doing the next right thing.“ An answer to how to solve the world's problems is highly unlikely to present itself to me, however I can keep choosing to show up and do the next right thing. To start, work on, or finish the next project that arises. To be present with the stories that are being shared with me. To not feel guilty about letting another day go by with a fantastically filthy floor and instead pour love and attention into feeding my family. To be okay with the fact that those 5,000 emails remain in my inbox and continue to rapidly grow and still choose to go out to my garden and do all the things you do in a garden. After-all I do find exponentially more joy turning my home into a drying rack for medicinal & culinary herbs than I do answering emails.
I know I'm not alone with this. Many, if not all of us, are re-calibrating and prioritizing things/causes/people/activities that align with our core belief systems. Questions like, "How do I want to be spending my time? Where do I want to be spending my money? Who do I want to be supporting? Am I in the right lane? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?" are constantly circling around in my mind. And while I search/wait for clarity I take great comfort in all of the beauty that exists, all of the people doing their very best, all of the strong friendships I've cultivated, and in all of the small and big joys found from having a little human toddle around with me all day. The damn truth is, I don't know what lane I'm supposed to be in and I'm learning to be okay with admitting to being utterly lost in the process. What I do know for sure is that everyday is filled with miracles that are waiting to be caught and even though it can be tricky to catch them in the midst of grief, sadness, and chaos I'll keep trying.
I waited a whole lifetime to meet this human child of mine and I’m so grateful to be sludging through 2020 with him and Grego. I’m grateful for you too.